A Faulty Model

English: cartoon about thoughts of your boyfriend

To Whom it may concern,

I would like to make a complaint about the new ‘boyfriend model’ you delivered to me a few months ago as I think it is faulty.  I wrote to you with this complaint several years ago when the husband model broke down entirely.  I have caught the warning signs early this time so I thought I would send this model back to you quickly before it follows the same malfunctions as the old model.

Over the past few weeks I have been playing with the boyfriend model but I started to notice changes that were completely out of its advertised specifications.  Firstly, it stopped telling me I was beautiful every day.  Then it stopped smiling at me so much.  This all caused me to feel slightly insecure about its future functionality, which made me not want to play with it as much, as I was scared of breaking it.  Last week, one of my friends pressed one of its buttons and the boyfriend model went into overdrive.  It started making a show of itself and me, in public.  I quickly removed it from display and tried to find the reset button, however I think that must be malfunctioning too as it made him even more out of control.  Behind closed doors, I tried to pack it away but it seemed to take on a mind of its own and refused to go back in its box.  It didn’t even desist when I shouted out the safety command as advertised in your instruction manual.  In fact, to my horror it seemed to gain strength and took on an aggressive nature which actually had me incredibly scared of potential injury.  As I wrestled with it to try to deactivate it as quickly as possible, I sustained injury to my face, neck and leg. It actually took several other people to help me hit the off button.

The next day I got the boyfriend model back out of its box, whilst it was in a subdued state and managed to tinker around with the wiring for a bit, which seemed to do the trick and rectify the situation.  I took it out in public and it performed brilliantly, as it did back home too.

Over the past week I have noticed further changes.  Even less smiles and the boyfriend model started to show signs of internal damage.  Possibly as a result of the re-wiring job I did on it.  I must admit I felt more than partly responsible for this damage.  I have put it through quite a vigorous amount of use and was quite ‘hands-on’ with my re-wiring; I used heavy tools due to my anger at the malfunctioning product.  I thought the best thing I could do for the boyfriend model was to send it away to be refurbished.  This appeared to work, as the refurbishers  demonstrated its vocal functionality over the telephone.  I was quite looking forward to getting it back.

I think in hindsight, the original malfunction of the boyfriend model and my comparison to past models; the baby father model, the cheat model, the husband model and the emotionally manipulative model, left me pretty unsettled in the fact that I had once again received another unsafe product.  I even questioned if the problems were occurring due to my not following the instructions properly.  As the refurbished boyfriend model was about to be delivered, I suddenly got hit with anxiety and decided I didn’t want to open it right away.  Once it arrived, I put it aside and ignored it whilst I had a few drinks and gave my attention to the talkative and social models also manufactured by your company.

Later I realised it was probably a bit unfair to judge the refurbished boyfriend model  until I had actually checked whether or not it was working properly again.  I decided to hit the play button but the actions seemed very different to how they has ever been.  As I played with it, the thought struck me that this product was definitely defective.  However, so as not to be faced with the consequences of trying to deactivate the product, as I’d tried the previous week, I chose to let it go through its motions until it calmed down which it started to do.  However, unfortunately for me, one of your male friend models was delivered very late at night (I will be forwarding another complaint to your delivery department about this) which then activated the supposedly removed; angry mode. It was at this point that boyfriend model seriously broke down.  There was no stopping it, no control over it. The boyfriend model was flaying and lunging in all sorts of directions which left me with injuries to my arm, mouth and eye.

After the time I have invested in this product, along with the emotional input I have offered it, as per your guidelines, I am completely distraught that something I had become so attached to has broken and I would like to know if there is a solution you can offer me.

My friends and family have warned me against investing any further time or attention in the boyfriend model and against purchasing any of your products in future.  However, I had actually grown to like this model very much.  I would even go so far as to say it had become a massive part of my life.  Now, thanks to your poor manufacturing quality and ridiculously difficult user guide, I have to return it to you for good.

I look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.

Please do not offer me any replacement models as I no longer wish to be a customer of yours.

Yours Faithfully,  Upset Customer.

15 thoughts on “A Faulty Model

  1. Maybe the trick to make it all work is have purchased a few boyfriend models at the same time; so that when one malfunctions, you can take out the other spare ones to serve your purpose?

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