After my flash backs yesterday caused by a very small thing that set off an almighty trigger, I have been left feeling very raw. After my session, I spent pretty much the entire day with angry thoughts going through my head, reeling at the images of what he had done to me and how generous, kind-hearted and, let’s face it, damn stupid, I had been to even try to forgive him and move on in a relationship with him. Then I started thinking about how he is living his life, swanning around as if nothing has happened. In his head, I am an utter bitch for leaving him. He is the one who has received an injustice because he I am no longer with him. He is the one apparently entitled to bad mouth me whenever he see’s me in public, because I gave up on him.
I then thought about the raw facts, he is a violent rapist and he is walking around as if nothing has happened. I want to tell his land lady, that the man she apparently has a crush on… Oh Wait! hang on a minute, of course lets back track now.. does she really have a crush on him or did he tell me that, just to make me want him more? -snap back to the present - It’s irrelevant. I want her to know she is housing and employing a rapist. Next time I am in public and he bad mouth’s me, I want to shout back at him, in front of everyone, like he does to me, that its him who is bad, he who is a rapist and an abuser. I even had thoughts of getting a can of spray paint and painting it all over the house he lives in. Then as my anger grew, so did the darkness of my thoughts. Next time he shouts at me in public, I am going to smash a glass in his face or pick up a rock and hit him over the head.
STOP RIGHT THERE!
Just a few hours later and where am I? Lost in a trail of dark and bleak thoughts, my anger growing fiercer, the volcano in my stomach about ready to erupt. The violence of my thoughts making me no better a person than he is! And all for what? Are my thoughts hurting him? Would I really ever carry out such acts? The answer is NO! He can’t read my thoughts, and I could never hurt another person in such a way. That is, after-all, the reason I chose not to press charges. He has children that he loves very dearly. How would they cope, with all they have been through in their young lives, finding out that their Daddy, the man they look up to, is capable of such vicious and nasty behaviour? I didn’t press charges, in order to protect them, and him I guess. He would have lost everything if I’d have done so. So, No! I wont be telling his landlady or carrying out any of the other acts of revenge that my subconscious plotted throughout my spate of angry hours.
Today after another breakdown, this time in my assessment for counselling, caused by acknowledging the fact that the man I loved, hurt me so badly and chose to pretend it never happened in his mind, I felt angry again. Once more I found my subconscious plotting and scheming ways to pay him back. Once more I found my anger growing.
The only person I am hurting by having these thoughts is myself. As I said, he can’t read my mind, he can’t feel my anger and even if he could, he would deny responsibility for it and turn it not acknowledge its meaning. There is just no point in getting angry, even less point in revenge. Revenge gives them a way back in, revenge gives them ammunition to make the perpetrator look like the villain. Revenge is a dish best served cold and one that Karma will serve in its own time, without our intervention.
A short while ago, today, I heard that my ex has jacked one of his jobs in, after being pulled up on the standards of his work. I heard about it as it was a job cleaning our local pub. Apparently he told the well-respected landlord and landlady, to stick their job up their ****. Of course word of this has spread like wildfire. I have heard also, that the landlord visited my ex at home in order to resolve things. He was greeted by the landlady of the house, who confirmed that she also notices his poor standards where his job is concerned.
I do not need to show people his true colours, he is doing that all by himself.