It’s been a long time since I posted here, but I need an outlet, somewhere to post my angst, my anxiety and my pain. It may be a while before I post here again or it may be a short time; I don’t know. All I know is that right now, I am once again feeling as though I am fighting a losing battle. I have come through so much since I started this blog. A divorce, alcohol addiction, a nervous breakdown, a near death experience and to top it all, domestic violence.
Well I am so, so happy to say that the domestic violence is no longer an issue. I am still with the faulty model, however he has changed, recognised his demons and has done everything within his power, including going on a 6 month course, to get help with it.
This time, my pain comes from my son. He is 13 years old and since he was a toddler, I have always felt that there is something not quite right with him. I have spent most of my life thinking that I have a screw loose, so it was only natural that I felt my son was an odd bod too.
Since he was 3 years old, I have been backwards and forwards to the doctors, to CAHMS, to dietician etc, and the outcome has always been the same; my son is a naughty child.
Admittedly, he didn’t have the best start in life; I was a drug addict and alcoholic. But I have always put his needs first, in a desperate attempt to stop him suffering the same pain and angst that I have felt and suffered. I have parented him in opposition to the way my parents, parented me, in order to prevent him following the same path.
Nothing I have done, even getting clean, even getting sober, even providing him with a wealthy, healthy, supportive lifestyle, has not helped. He still seems destined to follow the wrong path.
I have tried everything within my power and ability to guide him in the right direction, yet still he opposes that guidance, and chooses to make his own way, his own mistakes, his own downfall.
The other day, after a total meltdown on my behalf, having been pushed to my limits with his behaviour, and because the school he was at gave me wrong information which effectively left us both abandoned and isolated from a normal education and society; my mother decided to do some research.
A bit about my mum… she NEVER believes in internet diagnosis.
So, after researching ADHD, Autism and Aspergers, my mum discovers a link on the autism.org.uk website, which directed her to Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. Suddenly, everything fitted; everything made sense. Not only with regards to my son, but with regards to my own life, too. The need for control, the inability to cope when not in control, the mood swings, the school exclusions, the fantasy world that we live in; it all fits.
Unfortunately, however, PDA is not a well recognised condition and thus, getting a diagnosis is seemingly going to prove difficult. What is worse still is that now, I find myself in a situation where all routine, life as I know it, has gone out of the window. I am not in control whatsoever. I am not in control of my life or of my son’s life. I am not in control of the future. Everything I feared, everything that made me feel anxious, that people told me was in fact me worrying too much, is now becoming a reality. I do not have the skills to deal with such anxiety. The tables the doctor has put me on, Sertraline, have taken away my PMDD and a lot of my inappropriate worrying. They have also taken away my spirit, my feist and my determination. I feel flat, I feel terrified and I feel at a stand still.
Today I went back to the GP and presented PDA syndrome on behalf of my son. I have now been re-referred to CAHMS and now face a waiting game until I hear back from them as to whether or not they will diagnose him, or are even capable of doing so.
After complaining to the authority, my son’s school have re-enrolled him and have set him work, but the process of getting him back into school is long and slow. I run my own business, working alone and for the past few months, work has been the last thing on my mind. I really do feel physically halted with anxiety.. Our comfortable lifestyle, is digressing to a state of penny watching and all routine has gone. I feel anxious about asking family, friends and my child-minder to help, because I know that my son will throw a hissy fit in order to avoid doing what is required of him.
At this moment in time, I feel as though I have reached a dead-end.
But I will continue to break down the walls and get my son the help and support that he needs, in order to give him the best chance at a future.