People complain about social media all the time, how we shouldn’t air our dirty laundry in public; how bad it is that we don’t talk face to face as much any more. I for one am a big fan of social media, technology, smart phones, apps, the lot as a way of communication. As a single parent with mental health issues, social networking enables me to reach out to people as and when I need them and it allows me to communicate my feelings in the comfort of my own chair without the anxiety of doing the face to face bit. This evening, social media or social networking allowed me to reach out to my son. He is in his bedroom upstairs. We have faced some tough times recently and over the years; which can be read about within my blog. As a single mum of two, I struggle to find enough hours in the day to be a mum, work and find time for me (in that order), so deep and meaningful conversations can also be tricky to fit in. This evening, I have chatted with my son, via Facebook (whilst working on other projects to earn a living), about various issues and we have been more open and honest and healing than ever before. I know it isn’t a perfect solution, but it’s clearly a way we both find comfortable to talk openly to each other. How can that be a bad thing? After all, he is a teenager, growing up in an internet world and I am a mum trying to find a way to reach my teenager. Is it really so bad?
I have written countless times about the abusive relationship I was in. I stopped writing about it in 2012 because I thought I’d found a cure for him. I thought I had saved him, I thought I had fixed him. You can read my previous posts here. Now, almost three years on, I have finally woken up. The dream, the horrific fairytale is over and so was my life, almost. Just 2 weeks ago in fact, when I woke up in A&E after having drank myself into oblivion and taken an overdose. I am not proud of this at all. It wasn’t me. It was my emotions, my battered emotions. Abuse not from just him, but from the arseholes before him too.
What ended it? I caught him practically cheating on me. Ironic isn’t it; that I took him back after beatings, after rape, after destruction but I would not take him back from cheating? I put so much time and energy into trying to fix him, into trying to make it all not be my fault. If I could fix him, then it was him not me right? But in the end, he went searching for another woman because he ‘couldn’t handle me and my emotions’. WTF?! The final nail in the coffin came, when he threatened to rape me, in the cold light of day, in a sober state, he threatened to repeat what he did to me a couple of years ago. He threatened to repeat the act that he swore to me that he remembered nothing about…. but clearly he did.
There is no fix for the faulty model. There is no fairytale ending for a broken prince charming. If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, you MUST get out! Please don’t make the same mistakes as me.
It’s been a while once more, since I posted a new blog post as life has been forever busy, however today I simply can’t not share the fact that I have just taken delivery on probably the most expensive item I own; a Canon 5D Mark III camera. Ever since I started to take an interest in photography, I have wanted this camera and I have now reached a stage in my life in which I have been able to afford to treat myself to one. Anyway, I was so itching to take a couple of shots with my new bit of kit, that I grabbed one willing subject; my daughter and quickly popped on my 50mm 1.8 lens. I couldn’t even wait to attach my flash, let alone set up any lights. I’m pretty pleased with these test shots. Of course it helps that I have a very cute subject. Thank you Sophie for helping Mummy!
Canon EOS 5D Mark III, f7.1, 1/125, ISO-10000, No Flash.
Canon EOS 5D Mark III, f/5, 1/100, ISO-10000, No Flash.
It’s been a long time since I posted here, but I need an outlet, somewhere to post my angst, my anxiety and my pain. It may be a while before I post here again or it may be a short time; I don’t know. All I know is that right now, I am once again feeling as though I am fighting a losing battle. I have come through so much since I started this blog. A divorce, alcohol addiction, a nervous breakdown, a near death experience and to top it all, domestic violence.
Well I am so, so happy to say that the domestic violence is no longer an issue. I am still with the faulty model, however he has changed, recognised his demons and has done everything within his power, including going on a 6 month course, to get help with it.
This time, my pain comes from my son. He is 13 years old and since he was a toddler, I have always felt that there is something not quite right with him. I have spent most of my life thinking that I have a screw loose, so it was only natural that I felt my son was an odd bod too.
Since he was 3 years old, I have been backwards and forwards to the doctors, to CAHMS, to dietician etc, and the outcome has always been the same; my son is a naughty child.
Admittedly, he didn’t have the best start in life; I was a drug addict and alcoholic. But I have always put his needs first, in a desperate attempt to stop him suffering the same pain and angst that I have felt and suffered. I have parented him in opposition to the way my parents, parented me, in order to prevent him following the same path.
Nothing I have done, even getting clean, even getting sober, even providing him with a wealthy, healthy, supportive lifestyle, has not helped. He still seems destined to follow the wrong path.
I have tried everything within my power and ability to guide him in the right direction, yet still he opposes that guidance, and chooses to make his own way, his own mistakes, his own downfall.
The other day, after a total meltdown on my behalf, having been pushed to my limits with his behaviour, and because the school he was at gave me wrong information which effectively left us both abandoned and isolated from a normal education and society; my mother decided to do some research.
A bit about my mum… she NEVER believes in internet diagnosis.
So, after researching ADHD, Autism and Aspergers, my mum discovers a link on the autism.org.uk website, which directed her to Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. Suddenly, everything fitted; everything made sense. Not only with regards to my son, but with regards to my own life, too. The need for control, the inability to cope when not in control, the mood swings, the school exclusions, the fantasy world that we live in; it all fits.
Unfortunately, however, PDA is not a well recognised condition and thus, getting a diagnosis is seemingly going to prove difficult. What is worse still is that now, I find myself in a situation where all routine, life as I know it, has gone out of the window. I am not in control whatsoever. I am not in control of my life or of my son’s life. I am not in control of the future. Everything I feared, everything that made me feel anxious, that people told me was in fact me worrying too much, is now becoming a reality. I do not have the skills to deal with such anxiety. The tables the doctor has put me on, Sertraline, have taken away my PMDD and a lot of my inappropriate worrying. They have also taken away my spirit, my feist and my determination. I feel flat, I feel terrified and I feel at a stand still.
Today I went back to the GP and presented PDA syndrome on behalf of my son. I have now been re-referred to CAHMS and now face a waiting game until I hear back from them as to whether or not they will diagnose him, or are even capable of doing so.
After complaining to the authority, my son’s school have re-enrolled him and have set him work, but the process of getting him back into school is long and slow. I run my own business, working alone and for the past few months, work has been the last thing on my mind. I really do feel physically halted with anxiety.. Our comfortable lifestyle, is digressing to a state of penny watching and all routine has gone. I feel anxious about asking family, friends and my child-minder to help, because I know that my son will throw a hissy fit in order to avoid doing what is required of him.
At this moment in time, I feel as though I have reached a dead-end.
But I will continue to break down the walls and get my son the help and support that he needs, in order to give him the best chance at a future.
In life, people come and go but true friends stick like glue. They are the ones who see the person on the inside, they are the ones who see past your flaws and they are the ones who love you for who you are and all your craziness. They will be with you long after you leave school and some will come along later in life and never leave you. Those are the friends to hang on to. Never stop being yourself Adam, you are a kind, caring and loyal person and you care about what’s important. No one can ask for a better qualities in a friend. xxxx
I was trying to explain to my son the other day, about how he is control of his own destiny, after he was suspended from school for persistent silly behaviour. To paint a small picture of my son; he is, to say the least, a challenging child. By no means unintelligent but unfortunately his attention seeking behaviour leads him into regular trouble both at home and at school. His schooling being the worst affected area of his life. So here is the analogy I came up with….
Imagine that there are three types of children; the disadvantaged, the naturally sensible and intelligent, and himself. He isn’t disadvantaged, nor is he naturally sensible and intelligent as he lacks the common sense to use his intelligence for the right reasons.
The disadvantaged kids are forced to walk along life’s path. They, may have the intelligence to succeed however their life circumstances may slow down their journey. The may succeed but their odds are fewer and their journey slower.
The naturally sensible and intelligent kids are on a train. Providing they don’t chose to disembark along the way, they are on a one way ticket to a prosperous and successful future.
Then there is my son, he’s in a car and he is the one driving it but right now he’s at a T-junction. He can now chose to turn left, the wrong road, or he can choose to turn right, towards a bright future. He’s already taken a few wrong turnings which have always led him back to this junction, but the older he gets, the more dangerous those paths can become. But if he steers himself in the right direction and drives at a steady pace, concentrating on his journey, using his lights to brighten dark roads, and his wipers to clear dirty windscreens, he can so easily drive towards a happy, more successful future. In a way, he is the luckier of the three types of children. He get’s to choose his own path. He gets to navigate his own journey.
After using this analogy, my son made a poster to show what he had understood about it. All I can do for the time being, while I seek outside help, is to hope that he takes the easy route; the right road.
Today I stand taller and stronger,
than I ever did before.
The demons that once tortured me,
don’t have their power anymore.
I have healed and I’ve recovered,
and on this day I stand proud.
I’ve never felt so happy and in control,
As I do now.
Copyright © Little Emz 2013
…No it definitely isn’t pre moon tension, there is absolutely no mistaking the fact that what I have been suffering from (and so has everyone within a 50 yard radius, indirectly) for the past 10 days is pre-menstrual tension. The reason I used the analogy of pre moon tension is this:
Once a month, just as a werewolf turns from a human to a wolf on a full moon, I turn from a (almost) perfectly functioning, caring, lively female, into a crazed, psychotic, emotional, angry, panicky, anxious, hopeless, clumsy, brainless, narcoleptic-insomniac (honestly…go figure!), with a totally insatiable appetite and an inability to interact on a normal, socially acceptable level, with practically anyone!
And so, in the same way that the stereotypical ‘good werewolf’ knows that on every full moon he must lock himself away, shackled and chained in a bunker/cellar/other solid and safe room, in order to protect society from the dangerous and uncontrollable evil from within him, when he transforms into his supernatural counterpart; I am beginning to feel that for at least a week out of every month I should do exactly as the ‘good werewolf’ does; totally incarcerate myself, in order to protect both my loved ones and general society, from the evil, horrible, dangerous monster that I become.
I write this about myself with a semi-humorous tone, but the reality of the situation is that this condition really does interfere with my daily life, for at least a week out of every single month.
Relationships become impossible, to the point that after the rage and disagreements, I completely lose all interest in my boyfriend. If he dares to speak anything other than whatever it is I want or expect to hear, which generally is anything at all other than what he says, then I simply shut him out. He can’t say the right thing no matter what, every word that comes out of his mouth irritates me and I simply don’t care. Except I do; deep inside I am full of self-hatred and self-loathing towards the nastiness that escapes me, beyond my control. It has become a regular cycle, for me to finish with my partner/s (current and past), once a month, because they do not meet my irrational and unreasonable expectations.
My kids irritate the hell out of me. Whereas normally I will tolerate their normal, adolescent back-chat, loud hyperactive bouncy behaviour and incessant demands for my attention; I just can’t cope when I have PMT. My temper is short and I snap at them without thinking, and often I swear uncontrollably, I know I shouldn’t speak that language in front of them, yet I have no control. Pre Menstrual Tourette’s?
For the past 10 days ( I came on 3 days late), I have spent 70% of my life, sleeping! On the verge of narcolepsy, my fatigue sweeping over me and taking me unconscious within moments of hitting ‘the wall’. However, at night I am unable to fall asleep without the aid of 2-3 times the normal amount of sleep aid. Hence my reference to narcoleptic-insomniac. This insomnia can also lead to panic attacks as my mind-chatter, also possessed by the PMT monster, says crazy things to me, brings up past memories that I wish to repress, and offers me frightful visions of a dark and bleak future.
I worry about EVERYTHING! I worry anyway, but seriously, when I have PMT every tiny little thing worries me and every situation I am in has the worst possible forseeable outcome, in my mind. For example: I was the only mother who waited and waved the coach off this morning as my daughter went on her first school trip. Being the only mother doing so, my mind then told me that fate was playing a part in this, and that I was waving her off because, like in some horrible tv drama, this was going to be the last time I saw her. Another example: Overtaking a lorry on the motorway. On a normal day, I would worry about the pull that happens as the car passes the lorry and the wind catches slightly. On a PMT day, I imagine the lorry swerves into me, sending my car into the central reservation, where it then spins back onto the motorway into oncoming traffic, causing a 20 car pile-up and a very horrific death for me. My kids are informed of the tragedy and 200 people attend my funeral, dressed in my favourite colour; pink.
The Andrex puppy makes me cry.
I become unreasonable. Example: On a normal day, when collecting my mail from the sorting office, I totally understand that if I’ve forgotten my collection card, that rather than even attempting to collect my post, because it is the Royal Mail staff duty to protect our post and not hand it over without ID, I would have to go home and get my card. On a PMT day, I disregard this concept, walk into the sorting office reception, explain that I haven’t got my card but since they recognise me they can give it to me anyway and then proceed to curse them and storm out, when they refuse to do so. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the female member of staff, whom I criticised for being useless and ridiculous.
I can’t concentrate and most words over 5 characters, do not make sense to me at all. Does that word even exist? etc. etc.
I could go on about this for hours, but now that my period has finally arrived, I realise that going over and over it, is wasting precious ‘calm hours’ that are better spent catching up on everything that didn’t get done over the past 10 days. It isn’t a funny thing to live with, it is debilitating, unbearable and life altering. I wonder if the myth of the werewolf, actually originated from an ancient tale about the woman who ‘turned’ (into a monster) once a month.
There is no cure, except for menopause, I assume. And that is a whole other issue/fear that I don’t even want to think about!
Relationships are a bit like a maze; you keep trying different paths, different routes, hitting dead ends, finding new avenues. Every time you think you’re almost there, you realise you’ve found another booby trap, another obstacle. Eventually, one day you are either going to find the prize in the middle, or one of you will find an exit, until that day, just keep trying to solve the puzzle.
Tonight’s first look Hollyoaks has seen an explosive, devastating scene, that left me literally crying my eyes out. However, despite the fact that all mine, and my best Hollyoaks friend’s, predictions have all gone out of the window, one question still remains unanswered:
Where is Silas Blissett?
I will be honest with you here, I had predicted that the bully story line between Maddie Morrison (played by Scarlett Bowman), and Esther Bloom (played by Jazmine Franks) was going to end in the death of Maddie, at the hands of Silas. Clearly I was wrong in my prediction as tonight’s story line showed. Unfortunately for us viewers, the evil Maddie wasn’t killed off in a horrifc murder at the hands of the serial killer who graced our screens last year. Instead she left her friend, Niel (played by Tosin Cole) to die in order to save her own life. I am glad that Final Destination met Hollyoaks, to finally get rid of the evil B**ch, in my honest opinion. She deserved everything she got, although with both Maddie and Niel out of the way, and with Maddie’s last words, blaming Esther, I don’t think Esther would agree with me right now. I was rather hoping that Silas was going to be the person to finally shut her (Maddie) up. Clearly I was wrong.
So WHERE IS HE? It’s been a good while since he escaped prison, and the whole of Hollyoaks seems to have forgotten about him. Surely this isn’t permanent. Surely, the writers haven’t simply written his character out so subtly that they thought we’d all forget about him? Of course not, he will be back. The question is, when?
I would also like to know, who was it who slept with Sinead at Ash’s party?
I guess we shall have to wait and see. I look forward to those story-lines far more than I am enjoying the current one. Please don’t get me wrong, the current story-line has had me blubbering and balling my eyes out, but it’s the story-lines that could come, that have me gripped. I hope Hollyoaks won’t let me down. I seriously doubt it.
I wasn’t going to go to the display at The Grand Pier in Weston Super Mare, as it was raining for a good a few hours before hand, however I talked myself into it because I had already had my two practice attempts at photographing fireworks at 2 previous displays and it seemed a shame to waste that and have to wait another year.
I got to the display with about 20 minutes to spare only to realise that I had forgotten the connector to fix my camera to the tripod… a very big thing to forget as obviously the camera has to be still to photograph fireworks, I might as well have forgotten the whole tripod. I didn’t have time to go home to get it so I asked a local bar for some blue tack. They offered me a small amount about the size of a marble, this would have to suffice!
The display started 45 minutes late, so I could have gone home to get the right equipment after all, however missing the event wasn’t a chance I was going to take, not after all the rigmarole I had been through to get that far! The reason the display was late, was because somewhere close by was having a display of their own, from the ferocity of their display and its endurance, my assumption was that the person holding it had some kind of beef with the owner of the pier, though once the pier fireworks did finally start, it certainly shone above the other one.
So I managed to get 5 good shots out of 223 attempts, baring in mind that my camera was precariously balanced on the tripod with a tiny bit of blue tack. I am really impressed with the shots that were successful though, my 3rd and final attempt of this year proved worth the effort.
The image below shows the start of the display where fireworks streamed along the surface of the water from underneath the pier. I actually really like the look of this image.
On Monday 5th November I went to another fireworks display to set about my second practice attempt before the big display off of Weston Super Mare’s Grand Pier, this coming Saturday. My first attempt can be seen with my favourite, overall shot here and my favourite interesting shots here. Once again I bundled up my children, tripod and Canon 350D dinosaur SLR, this time remembering to also include hats, gloves and scarves for the kids, then made my way to the display at Hornets RFC. I found a nice spot behind the stadium, piled my kids with treats and then set up and prepared. I remembered to set my ISO down to 100 this time, in fact it was the first thing I did! What I didn’t take into account was that I was at a much closer range at this display, so my 70-300mm lens was the wrong lens for the shots that I wanted to achieve, NB: another lesson learned! As a result I ended up with a lot of very close up shots which were incredibly hard to take since the range of the fireworks in the display varied with each explosion, so I pretty much missed the display because I was too busy moving the camera, focusing and shooting.
However with all that I am quite pleased with some of the results….
Above: f/11, 6 Seconds Exposure, IS0-100, Focal Length 70mm
Below: f/11, 2 Second Exposure, IS0-100, Focal Length 70mm. Saturation tweaked in Adobe Photoshop.
I had to have a giggle today, my 4-year-old daughter drew this picture and when I looked at it I had to question what the round things were on the woman’s chest. I bit the bullet and asked her if they were boobies; she giggled and confirmed that they were! Teehee! Earlier in the car she told me she didn’t know how to draw a dress, so I am now led to believe that the way she depicts the female form in her drawing is to draw the womanly features! Quite observational for a 4-year-old… or should I be concerned that she is drawing like this?
This morning I went to clear my camera when I realised that some of the images I took at last nights firework display, hadn’t transferred. Among all the appalling shots, I did quite like the following ones because of their colours and shapes.
The first shot below, a close up firework shot was taken when I had the camera set to the wrong ISO at 400, it also used a 2 second exposure time so I am not sure how it actually came out so clear. I guess the more practice I get, the more I will understand how shots evolve…
I absolutely love this next shot, it reminds me of a flowing horse main or a tidal wave. I especially like the rusty colour, but also decided to mess around with hues in Photoshop to produce the second image in purple. The original shot, taken as seen below, was shot at a 149mm focal length, ISO 100 and 3 second exposure at f/11.
Image below – hue adjusted in Photoshop.
Finally I just love the neon glow of colours in this shot, especially how the smoke captures the colour too. This image was also shot at ISO 400, so I assume there would be more detail where the white flashes are, if I had remembered to lower it before hand! Focal length was 70mm and a 4 second exposure time.
All images taken on my Canon 350 (EOS Digital Rebel).
I knew I was going to a fireworks display this evening with my children, and I had been planning on photographing a big display next weekend so I took the opportunity to use this mini display as a practice session. My kinds were so wonderful and patient as I set my tripod up on a bridge and fiddled around with the settings, blindly trying to manually focus a black sky ready for the main event! By the time the fireworks started, 15 minutes late, my poor kids were freezing, bless them! Anyway, the fireworks did start, eventually, and I set about with the shutter speed set at bulb, messing around with different lengths of time on the remote whilst trying to zoom and focus on the display. The results were appalling, probably because I forgot to set my ISO before the fireworks started and only realised after about 5 minutes of over exposed images, NB: Lesson Learned…
Out of 108 shots I manged to capture one good (IMO) shot. This was taken on my dinosaur Canon 350 Digital Rebel, f/11, ISO 100, focal length 70mm and 1 sec exposure time. I shall take this on board for the big event next weekend!
Back in 2008 I bought my yearly pumpkins and thought to myself that there must be a more creative way of carving pumpkins other than doing the traditional faces.. so I looked on the trusty internet and realised just how big a deal pumpkin carving actually is, especially across the pond in the USA. I decided then to try my luck and was pretty impressed with my first attempts. Each year since it has now become tradition in my household, and also expected of me, by my children, that I try to create a better carving than the year before. My only failure so far has been in 2011 when I had my breakdown. I still attempted to carve a pumpkin, but sadly I was too intoxicated and I made a total mess of it, to my son’s disappointment and very much to my shame.
So this year I made it my mission to provide my kids with the best Halloween ever and the best pumpkins I have done so far. My 11-year-old son also joined in and carved his very first pumpkin creation. The event was wonderful, I spent the day around my best friend’s house. Whilst my son and I created our work, my daughter helped my friend set up decorations and party food. Later once the pumpkins were finished, I painted the kids faces and we attempted to go trick or treating in the rain. This failed so we let the kids knock on our door and take as many treats as they wanted, before enjoying lots of party food. The kids, myself and my friend all had a wonderful Halloween, and I certainly made up for last year. *Smiles* Anyway, back to the point of this post… here are my creations in reverse order. Next year I am going to attempt the shaded style pumpkins rather than the cut out ones.
MICKEY AND MINNIE AS CHOSEN BY MY DAUGHTER
THE HARDEST PIECE – HAUNTED HOUSE
MY SON’S FIRST EVER CARVING – REAPER
To follow are the rest of my efforts from previous years, as you will see the year on year improvement is obvious and I do find the process has become a lot easier with each year!
2010 – ANGEL
2010 – BATMAN
2009 – GHOST
2009 – WOLVES
2008 – FIRST EVER PUMPKINS
Once upon a time there was girl, who knew she would never be a princess but still felt that one day she would be treated like one by the elusive Prince Charming that she was still to meet. Throughout her life the girl made a lot of mistakes and kissed a lot of frogs whilst searching for her dream man to come along. She never wanted a man who was rich, nor famous. She didn’t even consider wanting a man who would support her financially or help her buy a house, as she knew that she could be independent enough to earn her own keep and not have to depend on the pocket of another. What she really dreamed of, was finding a man who understood her, did not judge her, did not try to change her, but would offer his support should she wish to make her own changes. She dreamed of a man who would tell her he loves her and mean it, a man who trusted her, a man who made her feel like a beautiful princess even when she looked and felt at her worst. She dreamed of a man she could be intimate with on a physical and emotional level, not just ‘something she did’.
One day the girl lost her way in life, again. In fact she lost everything, again. She was a lost soul, jumping from relationship to relationship, or in and out of bed with strangers just for a quick fix of wanted-ness; that was until she met her Prince Charming. What a charmer he was. He said all the things she had been longing to hear, listened to her for hours upon hours, made her laugh, made her smile and showed her patience. When the day came for the girl to first make love to her Prince Charming, it was amazing and mind-blowing. She could not believe her luck. That was the start of things to come.
In the following weeks and months the girl and Prince Charming were so wrapped up in each other that they lost sight of reality and of what should be a normal relationship. Their sex life went to extremes and they shared some pretty crazy experiences together. For the girl, this was stuff that she had fantasised about but had never found anyone who shared the same crazy imagination as her. For him, he had never had his mind opened up to such fantasies but relished and embraced this new sexual journey he found himself on. Their relationship became intense with emotion and energy.
A few months into the relationship the girl noticed that things were going drastically wrong and developed the notion that her Prince Charming was a faulty model. However she still saw good in him and tried to work through his initial malfunctions. Over the coming months, it became clear from a series of serious, violent and destructive offences, that the girl was in a dangerous situation. Every person around her; friends, family, counsellors, solicitor and the police, warned her to get out of the situation, to stay away from him and to put her safety first and the girl had countless opportunities to do so, even going as far as taking out an injunction against him. But deep down, in her heart of hearts she knew she couldn’t bare to be without him. She didn’t feel safe being apart from him, she felt in danger of herself, of the emotional turmoil and pain she was suffering from being apart from him. Paralysed by her emotions and unable to cope with normal every day life, with her missing link, well, missing. She kept asking herself, “why me, why am I the only woman he has treated like this?”
Against all rational thinking and all words of advice, she chose to contact him, the very sound of his voice immediately took away her pain, gave her back her energy and her smile. She knew she had to listen to her heart, as her feelings were feelings that she had never felt before.
Weeks later, Prince Charming hit an all time low and ended up in hospital. After that time he began to see a psychiatrist and took steps to confront his abusive behaviour head on. He also did something he had never done before, he put his hand on his heart and admitted his mistakes. He opened up about his past and told the girl, and the psychiatrist and his family, everything about his childhood and life from a-z. He even told his family about the bad things he had done to the girl and accepted all blame and responsibility.
A short time later, he received some news, a diagnosis, from the psychiatrist that at first sounded absurd. Both the girl and her Prince Charming, though previous events were not a laughing matter, laughed at the information before them. Until it all started sinking in. Suddenly everything made sense. Suddenly all the bad things that had happened, had a meaning, and what’s more it wasn’t the girls fault. The girl immediately knew, she had been right to trust her gut instinct. She knew that abusers didn’t become abusers over night and knew that this man, deep down wasn’t one. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and suddenly saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Her Prince Charming has been diagnosed as a sex addict. The girl understood the power of addiction as good as any other addict, having suffered from drug and alcohol addiction all her life as well as having an extreme sexual nature herself. She understood only too well, the physical compulsion once the idea of the next high is fixated in the mind of an addict. She understood the cataclysmic consequences and the inability to comprehend the situation, if the next fix suddenly became unavailable. She understood the emotional and physical drop that comes after a massive high had been achieved.
Through talking together, Prince Charming started recognising his behaviour patterns and between him and the girl, they mapped out that every major event that had occurred in their relationship could be associated with the unavailability of his fix, sex with her, after he had the notion already implanted in his mind that he would be getting it. They fathomed that the destruction that had come about since they had been together, was reflective of the intensity of their sex life. Never before had Prince Charming had such full-filling and gratifying sex, so never before was it such a disaster for his fix not to be received. Once upon a time he would use self-relief to quench his desires, which was satisfactory enough in comparison to the his then sex life. Not the case with the girl, self-relief didn’t even come close to a quick fix. The girl understood this notion, the difference was that she was able to rationalise her desire and prioritise normal daily life, something a sex addict is often unable to do.
The girl knew only too well that this realisation and new discovery wasn’t a cure. There was a long path ahead if Prince Charming was to get better and the girl was going to have to be as strong as ever in her decision to stand by him during his recovery. She believed in the human race, having come through so much in her own life time, she believed in second chances and she believed in standing by the people she loved; values taught to her by her family and friends over the years. The girl was fully aware of the risks involved and made a promise to herself that in any event that one single more destructive indecent should occur, that she would have no choice but to walk away. Especially since she was putting her own faith, beliefs and morals on the line. But the girl was a true princess at heart and loved her Prince Charming like no-one could ever imagine. People can change and she was going to follow her heart and stand by her true love, as true love deserves………
To be continued……..
Warning, do not read this post if you normally watch the C4 Hollyoaks as this is written after the E4 First Look Hollyoaks and will spoil it for you. Only read this post after Tuesday 25th Episode.
For those who, like me, can’t wait… read on!
My blog traffic has gone mad since I posted about the unbelievable death of Brendan Brady after the concluding episode of Hollyoaks Later on Friday. As I pointed out in that post, I was in utter shock and disbelief that the show would kill off such an amazing character, whilst also accepting the fact that it was probably a good point to do so, since he was on the verge of reform, which simply wouldn’t work. It seems I was not alone in my plight, I have watched on twitter as dumbfounded fans tweeted their despair for their loss! Emmett J Scanlan has clearly made a serious impact in the world of Soap, with his unrivaled super villain acting skills. The character, Brendan, is nothing short of a psychopath, but us Hollyoaks fans love him all the same.
During this evening’s First Look show, I could feel the energy from the unanimous sighs of relief and joy, that spread around the country of fans, like a musical Mexican wave as we all realised that it wasn’t Brady lying on the cold table in this hospital. Oh no! Brendan Brady is very much alive and soaring straight into another edge of the seat story line. With Brady in hospital, powerless to his broken, painkiller fueled body and as his now estranged, baby sister Cheryl returns to Ireland, Walker is now free to carry out his promise to deliver Brady his ultimate nightmare… Who will be first?
What is trust? Trust is a quantity of ourselves that we give to another person to keep safe. Whether it be a little secret, or our life story; the pin number to our credit card or the keys to our house; our friendship or our entire heart. We offer a chosen part of us to another person, whether we know them or not, a friend, a partner, a relative, a business, or a lawyer and we expect that person to take care of it. I like to be trusted. I have to be trusted in order for me to carry out the work that I do. People trust me with their inner most secrets and their overall safety whilst they are in my care. I always, perhaps naively, offer a person an amount of my trust, very quickly, because I want that person to trust me also. It works both ways, right?
So what happens when our trust is broken? When someone breaks your trust, it not only shatters any perception or ideals you had developed about that person; it also knocks you as an individual and makes you question everything around you. An element of doubt seeps into your soul and you can find yourself questioning the integrity of everyone you meet. I don’t like to feel like this, it unsettles me and I lose a little bit more faith in those around me, a little part of me shuts down and retreats into the safety of my inner self.
People do make mistakes, however, I have a life time full of them and have broken many people’s trust in my younger years. Only now, as I get older, do I understand the devastating effects that my actions had on people. So now, I do unto others. I am a forgiving person, too much so, but the more my trust is broken, the less forgiveness I have. I do not want to be come a cold person, so I will offer forgiveness without the trust and faith, that is something that will have to be earned rather than offered naturally once my initial offering has been abused.
I wonder how many of you Hollyoaks fans sat with their hands over their mouths last night as the end of character Brendan Brady, played by actor Emmett J. Scanlan, became apparent. I certainly did, but not because he helped Joel get his revenge on his evil step-father, Mick. Not because he was caught dismembering Mick’s corpse by his baby sister, only to later try to justify his actions to her. Not because we saw him take the so-called innocence from the under-cover copper, Walker, who was out to seek revenge on Brady for his baby brother. Not even because he killed his own Nanna after finding out that she was the very woman who could have saved him from himself, but was too scared to do so. ……Why was I sat there with my hand over my mouth? Because, if Brendan Brady really is dead in the soap, then Hollyoaks has just lost the man, who is in my opinion, the best actor they have ever had. They have managed to bring Warren Fox back from the dead, even Mick initially survived the fall from the lighthouse, only to be murdered by Walker, later. Theoretically speaking, I am on my knees begging that Brendan Brady survives this.
However, where could his character progress from here? After much time spent mulling this over, I don’t think there is anything else that the writers of Hollyoaks can do with him. He knows why he is bad, he knows one woman could have stopped it, he admitted his abuse to someone and was about to change. Now, therein lies the dilemma.. a reformed Brendan Brady, isn’t really Brendan Brady. Is he?
A minute ago, someone knocked at my front door. I took a look through the spy-hole, with my 4 year old daughter in tow. I saw it was just a canvasser, so I ignored the intrusion to carry on with what I was doing. The following conversation then took place between my daughter and I:
Daughter – “Who was that Mummy?”
Me – ” I don’t know darling”
Daughter – “But Mummy! WHO WAS IT?”
Me – ” I don’t know, I have never seen them before!”
Daughter – “Well neither have I, I’m not tall enough!”
I had to have a little giggle!
I think I understand why women find it so hard to leave a domestic abuse situation, because if they feel anything like I do now, the pain of walking away from the man they love is even more painful than anything he has ever done to me. This sounds crazy even as I write it, but I am simply writing how I feel right now.
I took an injunction out against him on Thursday and since then the pining for him and the sense of loss has multiplied, ten fold. Each day isn’t getting easier, it is getting worse. I don’t want to leave my house because he lives close by and if I go out, I look for him. I mean, I don’t go out of my way to look for him but simple things like passing the park, going to the local shop etc, places where I might have bumped into him before, I look out for him. Yet if I see him, I will probably break down in tears, or my resolve will weaken or my body will shake. It is better to stay indoors.
When I go to bed at night, I look out of my window to see if he is walking by, even though he isn’t likely to be and can’t anyway because of the injunction, I still look for him, longing. Then I get into bed and sleep on the side that he would sleep on when he stayed over, because my side doesn’t feel right without his arms around me, despite the fact we rarely got chance to spend the night together. Then I wrap the duvet around me and hug my pillow so tightly, imagining I am in his arms. How could I have felt so safe in his arms, with all the fear he was able to instill in me? Perhaps because when I was wrapped in his arms, I was safe from his outbursts?
I find myself often in a state of suspended animation, about to carry out a task when thoughts of him enter my mind and suddenly I am frozen to the spot, lost in my daydream. Or I will be staring at my phone, willing for it to ring, willing for him to call me or to text me.
I check my emails constantly, wondering if he will in any way try to reach out to me again.
And now I am at paralysis mode. It took every ounce of strength within me this morning, to get myself out of bed and I’ve made it as far as the sofa. Why? Because I miss him so badly. I miss his voice, I miss his face, I miss the long conversations we had, I miss everything about him, apart from the abuse and the destruction.
Last night whilst watching Hollyoaks Later, there was a scene which involved violence to a woman. The character Mick who plays Joel’s step father, grabbed Theresa by the hair and dragged her into a fair ground ride, before punching her in the face. Her face came off worse than mine ever did but it was when he dragged her by her hair that the flash backs started, quickly followed by tears. A following scene between Bart and Lola, depicted a young couple mesmerised by each other, passionately kissing in a water fountain. The flash backs of violence were fast replaced by flash backs of passion and intense feelings of the love I feel for my Ex. The way the couple took each other in each others arms, it could have easily have been him and I in that scene.
I don’t even need to close my eyes to picture him, he is all I can see at the moment, all I can taste, all I can smell and all I want.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but emotions are paralysing me.
So apparently ‘he’ aka ‘The Faulty Model‘ has been told he is emotionless. That explains why he can so easily hurt me mentally and physically without accepting responsibility or blame. Does this mean then, that every ‘sorry’ he has given me has been just a word? Every ‘I Love You’, meaningless? Every lie, easy to tell.
In the past few days I have come to terms with the fact that crying is an essential part of healing, or at-least, taking the first step to getting over someone. I am a major ‘bottler’ when it comes to emotions and tears. Yes, I may well take mild release in the form of writing, but it is very rare that I actually ‘let go’ of my emotions. This comes from a deep, in -grown fear that if I start to cry, I will not stop. A fear that has proved to be perfectly justified over the past few days. I allowed myself, my grief. I allowed myself, my heartbreaking, remedial, releases of pain. I allowed myself to feel angst.. and goodness me, have I felt angst?! However, it actually hasn’t killed me. My tears have not debilitated me, as i’d once assumed they would. My pain has not stopped me from functioning, entirely. In-fact, I have carried about my business as per normal, if not better than normal. The thing that has helped me cry, has also given me strength….
The healing power of Music.
Musicians write their songs either through personal experience, or deliberately to touch a part of us that we didn’t know existed. Music is a great soul cleanser.
I have for once, allowed myself to cry, and I’ve cried to the following songs….
Where possible I will link the music videos with the lyrics, because it reaches the soul faster!
My favourite on my ‘crying’ play list at present is Battle and Victory, by Nancy Elizabeth. I was sat in a pub waiting for a train when I first heard it and one line first jumped out at me, “This thing feels so frightful”. I immediately tagged the song using Shazam. Since playing it back over and over again, I understand the lyrics deeper every time. It’s a very sad and gut wrenching song.
The following song, Breathe – Delilah, has helped me through many an episode of domestic abuse. “I am strong, when I am quiet”.
The next song denotes not only my pain, but my battle with alcohol addiction and how it related to my relationship. “Without you to hold, I’ll be freezing”.
This amazing song is my all time heart-breaker. The song is beautiful, the words are amazing, the clip from a move “grace of my heart” that I have yet to watch, but want to, is so well played. “God give me strength!”. Please listen to every word of this song if you need to release emotion from the pain of an abusive relationship.
This final song in this series of pain, just about says it all… “Say you want me here, but why you have to be mean to me?”. A beautifully sung, song, by Delilah.
Please, let the tears flow. Do not be ashamed to cry and do not be afraid to feel. I cried, I am still here and now I am moving onto the next playlist… coming soon :D
Take Care, Be Strong, Be Brave.
Love Little Emz xxx
The hardest part of leaving you behind, is knowing that I will still see you in my dreams. If I could erase you from my memory, life would be so much easier to deal with. However, I can also embrace my dreams of you, whilst I sleep to revisit the times when we were happy, our electrifying love for each other as static and fizzing as it always was. In my dreams I can remember everything good and feel the happiness we at times, shared. In my dreams, there is no violence, there is no pain, there is no sadness. We are as one. The hardest part of leaving you behind, is waking from seeing you in my dreams.
Moving on from domestic abuse is very scary indeed. We question whether or not we can live without our abuser, especially since they have been in control of so much of us for so long. We miss them even though we know there is no other way, that they will never change. The thing I fear most is the heartbreak that I feel. Cutting myself off completely is proving incredibly difficult. It took me all my strength today, to finally change my phone number, until which point I had feared doing so because I knew that whilst he was still contacting me, he was still thinking about me; maybe still loving me. By changing my number I will not know whether or not I am on his mind, at least not as much. However, it is a necessary requirement. The lesser of two evils, as the fear of being at his hands once more, is far worse. The fear of any further damage to my emotions or my property, far outweighs the fear of loneliness in the grand scheme of things. I took a brave step today, a small step but a brave one. Whatever your fear, embrace your courage. It isn’t impossible, you can do it.
Little Emz x
I actually don’t know what to do with these feelings. I am not drinking, so I can’t mask them. The hurt is unreal. The tears wont stop. Please make it stop, please make this pain go away. I miss you so badly but I hate your f**king guts. But I don’t. I love you. Why do I love you? You don’t deserve my love, you don’t deserve my tears. You don’t deserve me. So why do I feel like this? Why do you have such a hold over me? Everyone that I know, that knows you, hates you. My family hate you, my friends hate you, my kids hate you. Why do I love you? How? Why? So, so confused.
Normal people do NOT hurt the ones they love. They do NOT steal from
them, damage their property or make them live in fear.
If you had a better side, I would appeal to it. I’d ask it to open up and admit to all the pain you’ve caused. It would accept responsibility for your actions and offer to pay me back for the damage you caused and the money you stole. It would tell me that you love me like you’ve loved no other. It would understand why we can no longer be together and leave me well alone, yet still do everything possible to change you for the better, for ever.
If you had a better side, none of this would ever have happened.
But it did, and you don’t.
No matter what happens from here on in, my strength will see me through. I thought life couldn’t throw much more at me and then I met ‘him’. Well, now it’s time to disembark from the ride; the roller coaster that was, us. There were lots of fun times, lots of loving times, lots of times when I just melted away into his being. Sadly, those times are marred by the scary, painful, damaging and awful dark times. Every fond memory buried now under a pit of anger for what he has done. I am not a coward, I will stand tall and I will fight to be free from the malfunctioned ‘faulty model’. I know I have said this before, but this time there is no forgiveness left in me. There is no scope for the possibility of change. I am breaking free. I will no longer walk the path of mental destruction with him.
Because I have missed 4 days of this challenge due to Domestic issues I think it’s pretty fair to say I failed! So for now I will lay this challenge aside and try again when my life is a bit more settled (Will that day ever come?!).. To be fair, I’m not even getting the chance to do any really creative stuff so next time I attempt this I will put a lot more effort into it.
I am a long term sufferer of allergies. I am allergic to the fur of all malting animals, as well as having dust allergies and hay fever. My animal allergy really is a nightmare to live with and affects me on almost a daily basis. I am unable to spend any great lengths of time at my friend’s or families houses because most of them have one or more pets which leave me with flu like symptoms for anything from days to weeks. Anti-histamines don’t work, sometimes if I take them early enough they take the edge off the symptoms before the reaction starts, but more often than not, they are useless.
Sadly my allergies also mean that my children can’t have any cute pets at home. However this doesn’t appear to stop my daughter and in her very thoughtful way she has tried her best to work around the allergy problem….. “Look mummy, this doggy wont make you sneeze!”.
Blur and frame added in Nik Color Efex Pro 4. Taken with iPhone 4s.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site
This is the 4th time this year I have received my favourite pink roses. I was given these a couple of days ago and they have blossomed wonderfully, really huge flowers on them. These were a get well NOW present!
Taken with iPhone 4s, filters added in Snapseed.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site
I simply had to photograph this piece of artwork created by my 4-year-old. I hadn’t seen her drawing it and she didn’t show it to me, but I think it is wonderful. It appears to be a rather worried looking man, scared of the spiders coming towards him. I love her use of colour.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site
I’m still not back on my feet after my surgery so today is a very lazy day and my children are having to have a boring day. It appears that my daughter’s favourite soft toy, Nala, has been making the most of the lounging around. Dressed beautifully, in my daughter’s flowery skirt and a vest top, I discovered him propped up on the cushions, on the sofa, watching children’s TV, or should that be pooch TV?
Taken with my iPhone 4s. I added some filters to this using Nik Software Color Efex Pro 4 plug in for Photoshop.
I thought I would share my massive achievement with my Journal Followers :-) Thank you for reading x
To get me out of the house, as I’ve been stuck in since my operation, I decided to have a little wander around a local car boot sale. As I rummaged I discovered this Pound Puppies plush toy. It took me straight back to my childhood, I must have been about 9 or 10 and to a time where I owned a little black and white pound puppy who I called, Patch. I really wish now, that I had bought this one as they seem to be somewhat of a collector’s item. Who knows, maybe I will go back to the sale next time it is on and this lovely piece of memorabilia will still be available.
Today was the first day that I have ever visited my lover’s house. I have been feeling really miserable stuck in my own four walls and started pondering about the fact that I actually hadn’t even seen where he lived, not very nice of me really. So I asked him to meet me and slowly I walked to his place, where it was really nice to be able to actually be forced to relax without any of my own stuff around me, to distract me. His room is a mish mash of odd bits of furniture, curtains that don’t match the linen and peeling paint. Definitely the sort of room that shows he doesn’t intend to stay there for long. It was messy in a blokey way but I could tell that the mess was organised mess. I couldn’t spend all my time there, but it made a difference from my OCD clean surroundings! I think this was a turning point for both of us.
I took this picture whilst he went to gather pie and chips (perfect get well soon, food) and I watched the program, Red or Black. I haven’t sat and watched Saturday night TV for ages, what’s more, this was the first weekend I have been Sober in 18 months.
Photo taken with iPhone 4s, Processed using Nik Color Efex Pro 4, Photoshop Plug-in.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site.
I am currently going through self motivated Cold Turkey alcohol withdrawal. You can read my latest feelings on My Journey To Sobriety, blog. All support gratefully received! xxx
There isn’t much one can do in the way of photographic challenges when the most one can do in this amount of pain, is to make a cup of tea. Unfortunately for my friend, making a cup of tea is considerably more than he was able to do this morning after he woke up with severe back pain. Doing what good friends do, however, I made a cup of tea and very kindly sent him the photo of it via Whatsapp Messenger. Well he does live 20 odd miles away! Image processed in InstaEditor.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site.
Today is a pretty miserable day for me as I have undergone a hideous and intrusive operation which I have already undergone several times before, without success. This time looks set to be more successful as I am going to get the respite that I need in order to recover, unlike the previous times where being a single mother and an alcoholic, proved recovery, impossible. This time however, with the support of my family coupled with my own resolve to go cold turkey and detox from alcohol, I am sure to do much better. Here is a photo I took of the hospital bed. I was the first patient to arrive at the clinic and was hurried through the entire process, so I didn’t have opportunity to be creative before hand, and I certainly wasn’t thinking about photo’s after!
I used Nik Software Color Efex Pro 4, a Photoshop plug-in, to add a vignette and hi-key filter before adding the scratched film texture in PhotoFrame 4.6.
Copyright © Little Emz 2012 – Sharing permitted with full credit and back links to the author and this site.
The great thing about this challenge is that if you are not able to create a masterpiece of a photograph every day, or in my case, any day of the challenge, it serves as a great tool for capturing very special memories and moments or dates that we would normally forget. For example, I can’t for the life of me, remember what I did for my birthday in 2011. I know the memory will come back to me but sadly it hasn’t yet. Over 365 days I am able to capture the potentially forgotten moments in my life.
Today is a day that I won’t forget for its main reason, which is that it is my friend Marv’s, Birthday. He and his friend, Claire visited me in my home town and we went out for a spot of lunch and a few pints at Frankie & Bennie’s. We ate unhealthy food, drank and laughed and placed a few random small bets on the horses. This is something I will remember. What I may forget however, is that this will be my last day of drinking alcohol as I enter into a self detox period and attempt to go cold turkey from my addiction. In the meantime;
Happy 39th Birthday Marv!
laying the wire trail to your Demise.
With you I self harm again and again.
take the bait, come little fishy BITE!
one day you’ll go too far
or I might!
Follow me into my lair,
you will leave unscathed, physically.
But emotionally; deranged.
Trail set, fuse lit,
silly little fishy, bit!
Guy Forks plan, almost success,
back fired on the perpetrator,
what a mess!
Copyright Little Emz
Challenge day 54 on August 13 2012, was a day spent relaxing and recovering from a mad weekend. My daughter spent a good few hours of the day carefully peeling the wrappers from her wax crayons, before using her wonderful imagination to play with them as soldiers, characters and building tools. I happened to glance over as she was arranging them on our laptop table. The colours and arrangement really stood out at me so I seized the opportunity for a photo. My daughter then asked if she was able to take a photo too, so I allowed her to. The first photograph is taken by myself, I added a filter using the InstaEditor app. The second, of the Peppa Pig wax crayons, was taken using my iPhone 4s by my 4-year-old daughter. I tweaked it in InstaEditor and added a little signature for her in Photoshop. The composition of her photo remains unchanged.